Game On

This week we’re going to play a game called, “Who Said It?” It’s going to go exactly like you think: I will type out real life conversations that have been had in this house and you are going to guess which child said the punchline. This will be entertaining for two reasons. One, I don’t have to write about anything new, and two, it will be fun for me to see who you think said what. 

1. We were sitting around the kitchen table completing the family Bible reading, but we’re currently in Isaiah and I had to confess to the children that I didn’t understand very much about our chapter. Then one child mentioned they are in Acts for their personal reading and it was amazing all the bits they’d forgotten or never paid attention to before. Thinking this child was going to bring some elucidation about our chapter to the table with their comment, they then admitted that they knew their thoughts were unrelated but just wanted to share. I thanked them very much for the irrelevant comments and decided to just ask a few more children where they were in their personal reading. Matthew, Genesis, and Exodus were the answers. Finally, I asked one more child which book they were currently reading. Looking around the table, this child responded, “The Hobbit.” 

2. Anna looked at one of her siblings and asked, “_____, why do you look different?” to which that sibling responded, “Oh, it’s my socks; I don’t usually wear long ones.”

3. This child was practicing labeling countries of a certain continent using a computer program. They got it down to 100% within 18 seconds. “That’s great, but even if you could write them that quickly on the test tomorrow, the teacher wouldn’t be able to read them,” I reminded the child. Said child retorted, “Oh, Mom, I’ll know what I meant.”

4. “I can’t wait to work. Isaac and Ellie are always talking about people at work who don’t do their jobs. I would be such a good worker; they could just hire me as manager.”

5. This child and I were grocery shopping and putting items from the cart onto the belt. I had had a bad night and some pretty busy and stressful days before this, so as I absentmindedly put another item on the counter, I sighed, “Man, I’m so tired.” Incredulous, my child replied, “You’ve only put two things up! I’m doing all the work!”

6. “_____, what new thing did you do at the gym yesterday?” I asked, curiously.

“I threw up in my mouth,” came the unexpected reply. 

7. “Okay, how does she not hear what they’re saying when she’s just across the boat from them?” asked one sibling to another while watching a movie.

The other sibling had a perfectly reasonable answer, “Plot ear plugs.” 

8. While discussing some of the children’s progress in remembering to turn off the oven after use or not leaving cookies in to burn because they weren’t paying attention to the timer, one child was at the bottom of the rung. Another sibling tried to be self-righteous about it, but I tamped it down by saying, “You only just learned this lesson yourself!” There was an audible, offended gasp by that child which was incorrectly interpreted by their sibling since they commented, “Yeah, _____’s never learned that lesson!”

9. After reading the blurb about an upcoming concert, I asked this child if they were interested in attending. “Well, if I’m going to be enlightened, then I better go.”  

Alright, well that’s enough examples for now. As you can see, I live in the House of Humor, where sarcasm and silliness reign. Please leave your guesses as comments, and next time I post, I’ll reveal the comedians. I hope you enjoyed playing my little game as much as I enjoyed looking back over my list of ‘funny things my kids say’ and choosing some amusing ones. 🙂

Short on Time

February happened. To avoid writing anything of consequence, here’s a poem about last month, titled Leap Year, by Annette Wynne:

Little month of February,

You are small, but worthy—very!

Will you grow up like the others,

Like your sister months and brothers?

Every four years with a bound

With a leap up from the ground,

Trying to grow tall as they—

All you stretch is one small day!

Even then you’re not so tall

But just the shortest month of all.

And isn’t that just like motherhood? You try and you try and you work and pray and cook and love and clean and pray and laugh and train and cry and pray, but no matter what your mothering seems mediocre despite all that and then the kids grow up and suddenly you’re the shortest one in the house and those taller kids do amazing things and frustrating things and then the back to back birthdays are over, even though they happened in March and not February, and now you can sit down for a little bit again since you’re no longer wrapping a billion presents or frosting the seventh tier of cake and yet you’re wishing you had an extra day every month* because you haven’t soaked it all in enough and all I want to know is what’s with the homemade rocket paraphernalia in my driveway and why is it always James?”

* There’s no way. YOU WERE PANICKING EVERY DAY, AND ASKING ME TO DO EVERYTHING! YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT WANT MORE OF THAT. ~Anna

Mounting Fear

So, I survived our family’s ski trip, and I can’t tell you how happy I am to be this much closer to sea level again. There are few activities in life that strike fear, anxiety, and panic into my heart quite like skiing does. Just the sight of the mountain alone, as we pull into the driveway of the resort, makes my hand reach into the candy bag for soothing sustenance. Where you see a white-lathered mountain of possibility, I see whitewashed terror. 

I don’t know who invented skiing, but I’d love to smack them with one of my poles if we’re ever introduced. My guess is that whoever it was picked up the mechanics immediately, because if they ever skied like I do, they’d be frozen at the side of the trail where they fell, and we’d never know about this method of getting down a mountain. And I would be okay with that. Alas, my whole family enjoys, ENJOYS!, the torturous sport and so we ski. 

Do you know what happens when you’ve got one ski on and you’re trying to fit your boot into the other ski? You do a split, that’s what happens. The biggest unwanted split you’ve ever done in your life, as the ski slowly slides your leg away from the rest of your body. Not only do you need to keep your body parts from slipping away, you have to become a contortionist so you can clean the bottom of your ski boot with your pole before clicking it into place on the other ski, all while balancing on one leg. To do this, you have to be a flamingo.

At one point, immediately after securing the boots into them, I totally forgot I had skis attached to my feet and couldn’t figure out why I was “walking” weirdly. I mean, I was walking weirdly and uphill too! Just to get up onto the trail that I was then supposed to ski down. All so that I could jump on a lift that would take me back up what I just skied down so that I could do it again. Do you know what it’s called when you do the same thing over and over, often expecting different results but not getting any? A learning disability. Why wasn’t I getting off this chairlift of insanity?!

They say there’s learning in falling, but I thought the whole point of skiing is to not fall, so I found it really difficult to know whether I was supposed to wipe out or stay on my feet, I mean, skis. It’s such a confusing sport. At one point you’re going so fast thanks to an icy patch, yet at another point, you’re getting passed by your seven year old son who has only skied three days before in his life. Three days. That’s all it took for him to be better than me and that was two years ago. 

When I was pretty sure I had put in enough time on the slopes, only an hour and a half had passed. Why does time go so, so slowly when you don’t want to do something?? Anyway, Danny kindly escorted me along the right trail that would lead to the bottom of the mountain where a shuttle would pick me up and bring me back to our condo. Because you can actually move your joints in snowboarding boots, he bounded down the set of steps in a flash. Do you think my husband was looking at me with unabashed tenderness or was I clomping down the stairs behind him like a bumbling, peg-legged pirate while he waited at the bottom?

In case you think I’m making all of this up or exaggerating my poor capabilities as a skier, I got my elbow stuck in the shuttle bus railing. It just so subtly slipped right in between the rail and the side I was sitting up against. Quietly, so no one had to know how clumsy I am, I maneuvered my elbow out of the space, closed my eyes, and dreamed of palm tree-studded beaches. 

From beginning to end, I am not good at any part of the skiing process. Just kidding, I’m terrific with the end; sitting in the lodge is a talent I have perfected. I can suit up a child, one-handed if need be, find the right equipment for the right kid, prepare the hot meal to be ready for their lunch time break, set out a plateful of goodies, and read tens of hundreds of pages of my book in front of the condo fireplace, all while they monotonously just go up, then down, a mountain, times too numerous to fathom. 

Despite my grumblings, I do love seeing my children ski, from the safety of the lodge, of course. I’m in awe of their excitement and abilities and opinion that it is a fun activity. But next time we go on vacation? I’m going to make sure we don’t miss the turn for the palm trees.